One Woman Army

Home again home again

I have been away for so long.
Writing has long been such a part of me, yet over the past year or so it has gradually faded to something likened to a ghost limb. Part of me, but missing, aching, gone, and I am so disabled by it that I know not how to recover anymore.

I have no great explanation for this lack of writing, lack of creativity.
But I am at a crossroads in my life I feel.
Aching for a change, needing to move forward, yet having no idea how to move forward. Or where to go.

So here I am dear readers. I hope you have not forgotten me, perhaps a few are still lingering here whre once I roamed.

Things I Love

That a woman is running for the White House - and both does not shy away from feminist issues (hello equal pay!) while also doesn’t care to make it a selling point.

That spring is slowly coming. Flowers everywhere, though still cold temperatures here on the East Coast - the air smells like spring.

The new t-shirt from Empowerment4Women.org that I ordered and just arrived! It is berry pink and so beautiful with a spring-time flower on it!

My sisters - a bit of a sisters night last night turned into some much-needed time to simply talk and rant and charge and laugh.

The stack of new books that I have on my bookshelf, found in a used book sale. Everything from “25 years of Ms. Magazine” to “The Bondwoman’s Narrative”. I don’t even know where to start.

- Artemis

Retreat and a little time for peace

There is simply nothing quite like being in the company of amazing, wonderful, like-minded, strong women.

Last night I headed out on a retreat full of such women - feminist friends and sisters. Wonderful, spirited, strong, courageous. I am always filled with love and inspiration from being around them - from being in the presence of so many great women.

I need more of this in my life.

More sisterhood. More time for peace. More time for relaxation.

I do not forsee any of it upcoming to the extent I need it in my life in the near future, unfortunately.

But it gives me something to work towards.

Still here!

Yes lovely readers, I am still here. A bit frazzled as of late with work and thesis stuff - but still here

Today, I am longingly wishing for a trip somewhere - ANYWHERE! Yes, a trip if forthcoming in July but that is soooo long away.

I am thinking of ways to make money right now without selling my soul to be able to take a trip sooner, rather than later

Full Moon Blues

This week I am going a bit crazy.

Typically I have always loved my period. I love the womanliness of my body, I love the reminder that I am a woman, I love knowing that I am fertile, human, lovely, bold. I am alive.

The past several months my cycle has changed significantly, with at least one day a month where my uterus throbs as if someone is wringing it out like a damp cloth. I clench, tense, grit my teeth and cry as my uterus contracts and convulses in pain. This is new. Never before have I had such menstrual cycles.

This month, not only has my uterus being convulsing, but it feels as if my head and heart have been as well. Nausea and dizziness surrounded me for several days before my period, and for the first day of. And just two days before my period, my sad temperament mixed with alcohol caused me to verbally attack a dear friend. My own emotions and issues? Quite possibly? Just my menstrual tensions? Maybe. A bit of both? Most certainly.

But the tension for the rest of the week has not left my body yet, and it takes very little to set my emotions running on high, my stomach to churn and my tension and stress to escalate. Whether its thinking about work (which is very little), feeling pressured by co-workers on campus, or missing friendly outings - I am in a scary roar this week and every minute makes me want to cry or rage.

I am glad the weekend is coming. I need a day of rest. I need to lay down and drink wine and sleep and be cozy with blankets. And yet, I’m scared that if I drink again, that if I talk with anyone, I will blow up at them accidently.

Begone pesky period, begone.

Thursday Thirteen #1: Things that made me happy this holiday season

 

A new day, a new year! And now, a new Thursday tradition… time to get creative (at least) once a week with a Thursday Thirteen! What do you want to know about One Woman Army? Send your comments and suggestions for future Thursday Thirteens!

1. Sleeping in everyday - until at least 10am, if not later. Getting back to a regular sleep pattern and using an alarm clock again is very trying…

2. Watching dvd after dvd after dvd on my nearly broken dvd player. All day long. Every day.

3. Spending some quality time with my kitty-cat-o, who has been very lonely for her work-a-holic mother.

4. Not thinking about WORK!!!!!!

5. My Christmas lights. They may never come down again. They beat lamps anyday.

6. Marching, protesting in Victoria, British Columbia for the SWC protests. It was on my vacation, so it counts.

7. Feeling the most at peace ever about living alone and being by myself during the holiday season.

8. And simultaneously, spending the holidays with my dear dear friends Aphrodite and co. Waking up Christmas morning in her house, opening stockings, being with my new family.

9. Blustery winter days and bundling up in quilts on my futon. Never leaving the house and just watching the swirling snow outside the window.

10. Finally catching up with family I haven’t spoken to in months and months and months… I am a bad family member and friend. I don’t answer my phone.

11. Finally getting time to read - mostly on airplanes albeit. Reading The Story of Jane Doe by Jane Doe. Highly highly recommended.

12. Learning to cook!!!!!! Thus far, I have made pad thai and red lentil curry, plus finally perfected the art of baking salmon.

13. Last but not least - getting my life on track! As in, not thinking about work, not wanting to think about work, and most importantly realizing that there are more important things and more interesting things than work. That I do not want to solely do work for my whole life. It is bad for me. And most of it is unpaid. And its time to put a stop to that, to enjoy myself more, to really relax and continue to get to know myself and be at peace with myself. (sound like a resolution much?)

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

1. Title Deleted For Security Reasons

2. Raggedy

3. Rashenbo

4. Michelle

5. incog

6. Nathalitanis

7. Susan Helene Gottfried

8. Tink

9.  Metamorphoself

10. SciFiChick

11. Scooper

12. Buttercup & Bean

13. Haley-O

14. N Mallory

15. ~M~

16. Heather in Beautiful BC

(leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Happy New Year To Me

Thinking about tomorrow tired from all the time I spare
On what I still believe in
When none of my talk ever seems to get me anywhere
These habits are so hard to break and they’re so easy to make
These habits are so hard to break and they’re so easy to make

- Beth Orton, “Thinking about tomorrow”

Happy New Year to me.

Tonight I am ringing in the New Year solo, in the comfort of my candlelit apartment with my cat for company. A bottle of wine, some fresh-cooked pad thai (yay me!), some dvds and a little msn chat with friends from other time zones. Candles, incense, solitude.

Solo, beautiful me.

I am celebrating me tonight.

I have wondered before - is how you spend your New Year’s Eve/moment a sign of the year to come?

Well in years past I have always felt the tag-a-long… whereas I have been single for so long, it is easy to feel like the 3rd wheel at New Years’ Eve when paired with multiple friends all of whom have partners.

This year I am asserting my independence.

Wonderful, independent me.

The brief thought flitted by that shouldn’t I be with people? Shouldn’t I be with someone? Finding a someone of my very own? Do I really want this to signal my year ahead - being alone again?

Not alone - independent.

Some might say I am fiercely so already. Living alone for the past several years, several jobs (most of which are unpaid), going to school, living across the country from my family. Too often though i have felt alone, not independent. As if this independance is only a way to hide from the fear of being alone.

This year - I am going to be independent, and embrace it.

Embrace the wonderful, beautiful, assertive, independent me.

I feel no qualms about being alone. No nagging feelings of “maybe I should’ve gone out”. No regrets. No envy of being without someone.

I feel peaceful, proud, happy.

Happy New Year.

- Artemis.

All I want for Christmas

Dear Santa,

Its been quite a few years since I’ve written, but I’m sure to be on your good list this year! I’ve been so well-behaved - no name-calling, back-stabbing, putting gum in people’s hair - nothing like that. I’ve been an angel, so I’d like to ask for a few things for Christmas.

All I really want for Christmas is the funding to Status of Women Canada restored and equality put back in its mandate. If there’s one thing you can bring me - this is it! SWC has done so much for women’s equality in Canada over the years, and the work isn’t done yet. If you can’t do it on your own, how about getting every woman in Canada to email Bev Oda on Christmas Day to ask her for it as our Christmas gift? Here’s how to reach her: [email protected]

What else would I like for Christmas? A job that pays the same wage as my male friends, all wrapped up in a stocking with a big red bow.

The Court Challenges Program restored in Canada - how can we challenge the government on women’s equality without it?

A t-shirt for every day of the week - This is What a Feminist Looks Like! Wear it loud and wear it proud!

Safe streets to walk on, safe bars to dance in, safe drinks to drink. How hard is that? Can you get it for me by New Year’s Eve?

What I really want for Christmas? Time with my family and friends. A home to call my own. And the knowledge of what it used to be like to be a feminist - because in my Christmas gift, feminism is no longer needed since we’re living in a post-patriarchy.

Hey, I said I’d been good, so I figured I’d make my list big That’s what Christmas wishes are all about!

Happy Holidays everyone, whatever holiday you may be choosing to celebrate!

- Artemis

Women's Work is Never Done... But Today It Is.

Because I am a woman, I must make unusual efforts to succeed. If I fail, no one will say, “She doesn’t have what it takes.” They will say, “Women don’t have what it takes.” ~Clare Boothe Luce

In this new age of working women, what is it about us that makes us overwork so much?

Women - and I apologize if advance if I sound as if I am stereotyping - have an innate tendency to accept responsibility. This is not a judgement at all on biology - rather, it is a social judgement on how we are raised in society. Women are raised to be nurterers, to be the responsible one in the family. We are the ones who clean up after messes, who write the Christmas cards, send the thank-you cards, order the flowers and make arrangements when someone passes on. We are single mothers, widowers, and of course, workaholics. We know how to survive and how to make life work for ourselves and our families when times are tough.

All that said, is this what contributes to the enormity of women who are over-working multiple jobs today, endlessly single from trying to progress their work lives, to succed, without time for relationships?

Today I had to write the incredibly difficult email of having to quit a job that I had taken on, but truly just didn’t have the time to do. Of being stretched too thin working not one, not two, not three, but four paid jobs plus volunteer work and unpaid work. Something’s gotta give, and it has to be what one doesn’t enjoy.

This design job had progressed far too long without any progress. Promises had been made, and I should have backed out many many moons ago.

It is still never easy to write that letter, to say the words - “I quit.”

I want to do it all.

I want to save the world.

After all, I am a One Woman Army.

- Artemis.

A letter to my (younger) self

What to say to you - to me - all those years ago? Is there anything I could say that would've been heard? Would have changed who I am? Would I even want to?

The me of years ago once wrote that everything happens for a reason. That I could never be me, without all these things happening, and how could "me" be bad?

I will call my younger self "you" because she is a different person than I am now.

You were scared all the time. Scared to let people in. Scared of being alone. Scared of being different. Scared of being nothing.

I could tell you not to be scared. Or I could tell you that you were right.

That people will judge you. That people will be cruel and harsh, that letting people in is hard and sometimes you will get hurt.

I could tell you not to be scared of being nothing or of doing nothing. I will tell you that you don't need to overcompensate for all those fears.

I would tell you not to be a workaholic.

I would tell you that you are your own worst enemy.

I would tell you that you will hurt and you will suffer and people will leave you again and again. That you might be alone at times and that the only person you can really count on in this life is yourself.

But I think you figured that out pretty early on in life.

I would tell you that its okay to be your biggest advocate and your biggest protector at the same time.

I will tell you that your need to not be alone, to not be hurt -- will backfire on itself. You will be hurt. You will be alone. People will leave you.

But that's part of life.

You can't be afraid of life.
You can't be everyone's protector.
You can't save eeryone - and in trying to save them you're only trying to save yourself.

It's okay to hurt. It's okay to be selfish. Its okay to trust people.
It will take you a long time to be able to do that - if ever.

What can I say to you - the me of years past - that you don't already know?

I could tell you about all the pain and hurt you will go through. How everything you ever worried about happening - and losing - will come true. And there is no preventing it. That you must hurt. You must cry. And you must be angry.

After all, everything happens for a reason, right?

I will tell you that me of age 12, age 15, age 19, age 22, and age 27 are all the same person. That you can imagine you are different. You can work towards it and strive and fight to make yourself different.

But you won't change. You won't learn anything at all. You will be teh same after all.

You will still be your own worst enemy, not trust, be your biggest advocate and protector, a workaholic and alone. You will be your own worst enemy.

And I can't tell you that you're wrong to be that way.

Maybe the me in 10 years will be different and tell her younger self that she was wrong.

I look at you of yesterday though, and all the things I could and would tell you - I can't. Because you were right then. You saw it years in advance.