I walk the line - and I do it alone

I am not one to take chances, and one chance I do not take is with my safety.

That includes, for the most part, walking home by myself in the dark. As a woman, I can't help but feel nervous and scared when walking home in the dark alone. The logic tells me that there is no greater risk of walking home in the dark alone than walking home in the daylight alone.

Statistics tell me that my chances of being raped or assaulted come more from someone I know than stranger-rape in the dark at night.

And yet, I feel afraid.

Growing up, as women, we are taught to do things like hold our keys pointed out when we walk so we always have an attack weapon. To never wear anything too revealing or sexy or girly when walking home by yourself. To NOT walk alone in the dark.

I automatically cross the road when I see a man walking on the same side of the road as me at night. I can't help it, it makes me feel more secure.

A recent home assault in St. John's on a well-to-do residential street certainly doesn't help matters. Nor does being catcalled while walking downtown.

I work with women all the time, I know the stats and I know the reality of being attacked through stranger-rape.

And yet, I feel afraid.

In Cunt, Inga Muscio writes of this reality and her own attack plan when going out at night. Dressed as boyishly as possible, she rides her bike and always calls a friend before heading out, and when returning home.

When it comes to protection, for Christmas a friend bought me a small mace that looks like a perfume bottle.

The same friend once told me that although she has never been violated physically, she lives with the knowledge and reality that at any time her life might change and that might happen.

Because that's the reality as women.

THIS IS NOT HOW I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE.
I AM NOT A VICTIM, I DO NOT WANT TO BE A VICTIM.
I AM NOT A SECOND-CLASS CITIZEN.

Tonight, I walked a half hour home after midnight, alone, dark, through streets where lights were burnt out, through dark pathways. ALONE.

When I left my friend's house, I did my safety rituals. I told her the exact route I would be taking, that it would take me roughly a half hour, and that if I did not contact her within an hour to call the police with my route.

I arrive home exactly one half hour later to message her, safe and sound.

As I walked, alone in the dark, the streets vacant aside from the occasional car or pedestrian, I couldn't help but feel alone, nervous, my tummy rumbling and my heart pounding. When I saw two men walking, I crossed the side of the street and walked faster to pass them and continue on my way. I changed my route to avoid them.

But I made it, alone, on my own.
I do not want to live my life in fear as a woman. I WILL NOT LIVE MY LIFE IN FEAR AS A WOMAN. This is why, rather than taxi-ing home as I usually do, I chose to walk alone. Through three separate and distinct neighbourhoods and areas of the city, on a Saturday night, past a neighourhood pub playing karaoke music and through a secluded park - I walked on my own, and I did it.

Some might call me stupid.
I might call myself stupid.

But I will not live in fear, and every time I do this, I feel empowered. I feel stronger. I feel like I beat the system somehow. Beat the system of violence, the patriarchy that I live in, all the crap that women go through. Each time I walk, I expect there is a reality I will not make it home safe and sound. And each time I do, I feel stronger, courageous, independent and amazing.

Take that patriarchy.

Comments

[Hazel]

Can you hear me cheering? No? Okay, I AM cheering for you, your walk and this post. Oh! and your nomination over at the Canadian F Word awards. How cool is that? Congrats on being a victor of circumstances.
Hazel.

[Angry Jenny]

Okay I feel the same exact way that you describe in your post. I use "the walking home in the dark story" all the time as an example to show my frustrations for being a woman. Presently there is a night rapist in my old hometown, and you know what the police had to say about that? "Women should use common sense and stay inside at night." Can you believe that?!! How about men stay inside and don't attack women? Hmm...