It's early in the morning. I've been up for hours now, eyes glazed at my computer screen. Playing with my blog. It's been a holiday full of nothingness, necessary nothingness. I am both excited and terrified of going back to work already. I've tried to work it into my routine slowly now - much of yesterday was spent at home with new graphics and logos and fonts and design. But the real work, the activist work, has yet to come and will still wait until next week. I am terrified of being in the same position I found myself before holiday - will I want to quit it all, to pack up and leave? Can I really make a difference? When the entire world is against you, it's hard to feel like you're making a difference. I've been told I am - keep going they say. I know if everything was easy, then there wouldn't be anything to fight against. Violence against women, rising tuition, access to education, sexism... just a few of the things that wind their way into my day-to-day life. But when the people who surround you, the people you work with, aren't enabling you to do the job you're meant to do, the job you're hired to do, then how much of a difference can you really make? Fight the good fight, they say. It would be nice if it wasn't always a fight.
What am I fighting for? V-World - to quote Vagina Goddess Eve Ensler. A world without violence. Is is possible? I can't believe that it's not, because if it's not, then what I am fighting for?
It's nearly noon now. The sun is out for the first time in days. It's peeking through my windows into my dark apartment, where I've been lazily holed up since New Year's. But as work slowly creeps it's way back to me, I know I need to move forward. My thesis is something that's been haunting me for over a year now. The academics of life - it's so much easier to get caught up in something where you can see the results first hand, where you feel that you're really making a difference. The theoretical as opposed to the practical. I want to be out there - doing, not talking about what I could be doing. But if I'm going to move foward and continue making change, I can't continue having this albatross hanging over my head. All that's left is to get ethics approval and I can start my research. And I am excited about it. It's something where I might be able to make change, to enable women to empower themselves further, to add to something that I really believe in.
V-World. A world without violence. That's what I'm working for. The rest of it, is it worth my fighting for? Is my energy worth spending on it? That's a question for another day. We'll see what the New Year brings. -Artemis
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